trans re-memorying with the Page of Earth

The past few weeks I've had the joy of studying for the second time with Christopher Marmolejo** in a class called Paper Crowns. Chris has been diving into each of the court cards in the Tarot — often referred to as Pages, Knights, Queens and Kings – over the past 6 weeks, by weaving each card with studies of portraiture in art history. They introduced my class to amazing artists' work — Zanele Muholi, Rotimi Fani-Kayode, Kehinde Wiley and more, and helped us deepen and complexify our perception of images through analyzing art in a collaborative politicized setting. Our project for the class was to choose a court card that each of us would bring to life by portraying ourselves through self-potrait photography.

I didn't realize this was going to be the project when I signed up for this class, and although I was a little nervous about getting in front of the camera, I was also grateful for the invitation to do it. Getting my photo taken by a photographer has always felt deeply vulnerable and uncomfortable to me, and I was excited to try taking them myself. On the first day of class, the card I drew to depict myself in was the Seed of Earth/Page of Pentacles from Gentle Tarot by Mari in the Sky.

The card depicted a deer with a flower stalk in their mouth standing amidst a scenic pasture with mountains and water and greenery. My intuition told me it would involve being outside with earth, which felt apt for this curious exploring earth loving Page. I bought a tripod with a clicker.

On Saturday, I was on a psychedelic journey and the concept arrived in a flash of childhood memory. I wrote these words down and they danced in my eyes:

On Sunday, it was cloudy which was a bit of a bummer but it was going to rain Monday so I combed my hair, pulled my outfit together, and went out into my beautiful yard space with my tripod and Pixel 3. Over the next hour, the Page came alive.

I'm sharing here with you the story behind the images and this concept, that I shared with my class.

When I was a kid, I learned தமிழ் Tamil dance form Bharatanatyam, and I loved dancing குத்து Kuthu and popular dance following along Tamil movie videos. I danced at family gatherings, school and township events.

The township was a magical place to me, Gulmohar trees and bougainvillea abounded, peacocks and butterflies and wildflowers filled my time. It was in a city in the southern most part of TamilNadu. When my dad would take pictures of me, I almost always held a dance pose. When I was 10, we moved to Chennai.

I lost my connection to dancing in public, but over time I have regained it through loving my body, mostly in private and in a group Bharatanatyam performances at University of Toronto and at Queer South Asians' community dinner at the 519.

In recent years of coming out as queer and then trans, my connection to my parental home has strained to the point that I’m unsure I’ll ever return. I wish I could see my childhood photos sometimes. At the same time, it can also be confronting to look at pictures from pre transition times.

In exploring the Seed of Earth/Page of Pentacles through self-portraiture, my concept is “trans re-memorying*”—a phrase I’m coining to refer to the process of creating memories for myself rooted in my own archives while celebrating my non-binary trans masculine body and love of flowers, trees, and mother earth.

The Page of Earth welcomed me into curiosity, play, getting messy, sensual joy and dancing with trees. Through their playful invitation, I fell in love with my body, the hair on my neck and my chest, my tan brown skin, the wrinkles on my forehead, my keloids, the one button I forgot to button.

I was so thrilled to wear this beautiful handmade and embroidered cotton shirt from India by Nor Black Nor White, the red flowers feel like pentacles to me. I'm wearing green joggers from Under Armour and Asiics Gel Kayanos, my favorite shoes that support my hypermobile feet by offering amazing stability.

I see the Page of Earth as able to alchemize all the elements, they understand that seeds grow into life through the interaction of the rain, the soil, the sun and the winds. The colors on my garments invoke this elemental relationship to the page's magic.

If you love these images or feel seen by them, let me know in the comments. It is always nice to hear from you! I'm cooking up many things for this collective behind the scenes and will be back soon with more. If you, like me, are going through some major changes this year and still catching your breath, I am wishing us some space and time for ourselves to shed and feel and stretch into the new shapes our lives are taking. Take good care and see you next time!

*I found a prior reference to the term re-memorying in this paper, but I am not referring to this.

** I highly recommend checking out The Red Read, Chris Marmolejo's Tarot teaching, reading and books. Working and studying with Chris has been breathing life into my Tarot practice and helps me feel so seen by always challenging the status quo and queering and decolonizing the Tarot. https://www.theredread.com/