Grumpy fish, breakups and naps

Kadir

Kadir

— 4 min read
Three bioluminescent moon jellyfish, two small on bottom left lit up in blue and pink, one large on the right top lit up in blue, pink, green and orange
Bioluminescent moon jellyfish, Photo by Irina Iriser / Unsplash

Hello friends,

This week, I welcome folks who were subscribed to my now archived creative writing newsletter on substack that I started years ago and published very little in. Thank you for sticking with me, and welcome 🌈

A week ago I went to the aquarium in Toronto for the first time in the almost seven years I've lived here! It is run by Ripleys, and I feel really weird about collecting animals from around the world in a closed environment run by a private corporation. Still, it is here, and the fish and the sharks and lobsters are here, enchanting. Under my face mask, my mouth was fully ajar watching giant sharks go over my head, crabs cleaning off their pincers underneath their cave, and meeting fish that chill out on the sea bed, lounging. I'm especially drawn to the tiny little fish in a giant tank of fish zooming around with the focus of a group of people speed-walking in a mall, trying to make it through the traffic, bobbing up and down with their winged fins.

Small grumpy mouthed rock bass with orange and grey body, bright orange fins swimming towards the camera
Rock bass, Ripleys Aquarium of Canada, Photo by Marius Masalar on Unsplash

We are now officially past the equinox, the days are getting longer in the northern hemisphere, and I can see tiny little buds forming on the leafless branches of the maple tree outside my window. Belated Nowruz Mubarak and an advanced Eid Mubarak to friends who celebrate!

As spring rolls around, I am feeling especially grateful for some clarity on my path forward. Just over a year ago, I ended some friendships and collaborations that I was deeply entrenched in and got top surgery which took me for a complete spin. In mid April of 2024, still itching all over from surgical binders and compression garments, I had no clue what I was supposed to do next. I wasn't even ready to grieve the end of those relationships, instead I was angry I had allowed myself to go so far down projects that could fall apart over what I thought was solvable conflict. I was annoyed I had let my own art and goals fall away in order to prioritize those of the group.

I wanted to act, I was tired of feeling. I entered a year of experimentation. I took classes in poetry, psychology, creative writing through reading, liberatory coaching and somatics. I joined Seeda School run by Ayana Zaire Cotton. I considered going to school for therapy. I didn't know enough to make a decision yet, so I tried as many things as I could.

Over the year I have thawed, I have grieved. I recognize the ways in which I failed to identify my own needs and priorities because I was so caught up in the glamour of working in collaboration with like-minded peers. I've seen how I can be swooped into the vortex of false teachers from following my fears and insecurities instead of rooting in my values. And that in order to meet the collaborators, mentors and teachers that were aligned with my path, I needed to let go of what I do not want and need, and proudly claim what I need.

White, orange and black Nudibranch on sea bed at Anilao Port, Mabini, Philippines, Photo by Marius Masalar
Nudibranch, Anilao Port, Mabini, Philippines, Photo by Marius Masalar on Unsplash

So where am I going now?

  1. I've realized that my sneaky long-term suspicion that I want to write poetry and tell stories through my work to be accurate. I am so grateful to have learned from writing teachers Tyler Pennock and Jedidiah Mugarura through university of guelph's continuing education programs. I am feeling as ready as I can to continue this journey, and I have a seed of a queer romance novel I'm hoping to grow.
  2. I know now that the identity of "coach" is not right for me going forward, and I'm in the process of leaving contracts in the leadership coaching realm that I've been reluctantly holding on to.
  3. I am embracing creative facilitation alongside my writing, and I'm mapping out a creative writing/arts space that I want to offer, more on that once I know what it will look like!
Seal curled up asleep with another seal hidden next to it, on gray mossy rocks by sea water
Sleeping seal, Photo by Charlie Seaman on Unsplash

I was going to write this newsletter yesterday, but I was so tired and irritable that I was getting enraged at my monitor for not turning on right! Some part of me was going, "Hey you already missed sending this last week, this is a slippery slope, do it now!". My internal 'you-are-approaching-burnout-because-you-won't-stop-and-rest' went off. I decided to go to sleep instead. I slept long and hard, and woke up late this morning. I made my vanilla rooibos tea with rose and calendula, lit a candle. I wrote this newsletter, and here we are. If you need a reminder to take a break and rest when you feel like you have so much stuff to do, here it is. Wishing you long naps in dark caves, and see you next week <3

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